Valentine's Day the movie was nice.. the one big thing I learnt is tiz quote from the old couple: "If u truly love someone, u'll accept tt sumone for who they truly are and to forgive them even if they've wronged."

I guess this is it. It was nice but I was hoping for a better ending with a better understanding thru a small talk.. thou I noe no words can make u change ur mind and heart right now. Jz tot of exchanging a few last words… but I guess u din tink it's necessary at all. I believe I've provided way too many opportunities for u to speak up but u take every chance for granted.

Im lil' sad tt I dun get my answers still.. but I hav to accept tt not everyone likes to solve their problems, find the answers & put an end or have a proper closure to it. They prefer leaving it as it is. It's alrite la, at least I noe I've done my part & tt I've done my best. Life needs to move on. I noe tt u've choosen to forget me rather than to forgive me.. but I hope one fine day, u'll be able to forgive me for all the pain I've caused, even if u dun love me anymore & have forgotten our memories. Thank u very very much for all tt u've done for me & all e happiness tt u've once given me. Plz take very gd care of urself aite.

& I'd also like to thank all my readers (whom I dun quite noe who u are.. anymore) for reading all my crappy stuff all tiz yrs. Tiz will be my last entry, aft which I'm goin to leave all tiz behind & start a new life. I may/may not open a new blog, but even so, it'll be a private one. It's time to go now but I'll leave u with a last dedication..

For any last glimpse of my past memories (the happier me of coz), pls visit: piNkpaGe.

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"The Heart Of The Matter"

I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And all the struggles we went through
How I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?

I've been learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning them again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

These times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined
And people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age
And the trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill, I guess
Pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms
And the work they put between us,
You know it doesn't keep us warm

All the people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down, you know they hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; cause life goes on
You keep carrin' that anger, it'll eat you up inside

I wanna be happily everafter
And my heart is so shattered
But I know it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

I knew it.. jz a matter of time.. now it’s gone once again.. I gave e fight for my life.. & still it wasn’t gd enuf.. I duno wat is anymore.. I tried my hardest.. even my hardest was not the best.. I guez.. it’s time.. it’s only right to let it all go..

Im sorry tt u alwes tink tt those tears are oni “dramas” & not real.. im sorry im nvr gd enuf.. im sorry if during these returns.. I’ve caused more pain.. im sorry that im strength-less to fight another war.. my heart’s too weak to face another cycle of disappearances of urs. Im jz not as strong as u tink I am.. but it’s ok.. I’ll survive tiz wave if u jz help me by keeping urself away ok.. enjoy mingling.. I hope u find sumone who makes u truly hapi.. I alwes pray for ur happiness all e time.. plz dun make my prayers go in vain… ttz all I cn offer u for nw… nothing but jz prayers tt u’ll find all e tings tt u’ve been searching for.. be it wealth, health, love and others..

Im sori.. I tried to be thr for u.. like a friend bt my heart’s jz too weak.. im sori.. im sori I fail to b thr for u once again.. plz do noe tt i reali reali tried.. hiax..

I miss u alwes love.. take gd cre of urself k.. & if u find urse;f missing me once in a while.. jz look dwn in ur heart.. u noe im thr k.. Remember whr I showed u whr I’ll b in ur heart in tt park?.. ttz whr I’ll b baby.. ttz whr I’ll alwes b love.

_____________________________________________________________________________

It's been in the past for a while
I get a flash then I smile
Am I crazy?
Still miss you, baby

It was real, it was right
But it burned to have to survive
All that's left is
All these ashes

Where does the love go? I don't know
When it's all said and done
How could I be losing you forever?
After all the time we spent together

I have to know why I had to lose you
Now you've just become
Like everything I'll never find again
At the bottom of the ocean

In a dream you appeared
For a while you were here
So I keep sleeping
Just to keep you with me

I'll draw a map, connect the dots
With all the memories that I've got
What I'm missing
I'll keep reliving

Where does the love go? I don't know
When it's all said and done
How could I be losing you forever?
After all the time we spent together

I have to know why I had to lose you
Now you've just become
Like everything I'll never find again
At the bottom of the ocean

This is it
Let go
Breathe

You don't have to love me
For me to, baby, ever understand
Just know of all the time that we both had
And I don't ever wanna see you sad, be happy

I don't wanna hold you
If you don't wanna tell me you love me, babe
Just know I'm gonna have to walk away
I'll be big enough for both of us to say, be happy

Be happy

Well 16th no longer hav any meaning at all.. It's jz any other day in e mth.. Silly me to be wishful tinking.. It's alrite.. Jz another screw up to expect.. Glad to hav u by my side talking to u like a fren mummy dearest.. Hmm.. She insisted I let it out.. Alot of tings was shared.. Yet she cud b calm enuf to advice me even wit her tears in her eyes.. Haix.. I love u mummy dearest.. Ure e best! *hugs..

Haix... Definitely upset by all e accusations.. Haix.. Din tink a small gesture n a thankiew cud lead to such stupid accusations.. Ppl alwes Tink all I'm after is $$ n big bikes n cars.. Stop it will u?!! I dun! Everything I own is bought wit my own hard earned $$.. Haix... I nvr once ask for ppl to buy me tings.. Maybe teasing but nvr for real! Haix.. Very very upset by everything.. Tiz accusations hav been since forever.. By e same group of guys! Will u guys jz stop it oready?! I'm so sick n tired of all tiz.. $ isn't everything alrite.. Thr's more to life thn jz $.. Yes I go for brands but ttz jz me! I dun ask u to buy me those tingz! Hav I? Ever? Yes I cab arn.. But at least I dun use other ppl's vehicles n treat like it's mine.. N yes once in a while I ask him to send me off to some plc or fetch me.. ONI once in a while ok!! U cn ask him hw many times thru'out our 3yrs relationship tt I've asked him for such requests.. I believe he cn count it wit his fingers! The are even times wen he WANs to fetch me bt I insist on miting halfway cz it's damn far.. U dunno me stop accusing stupid tings liddat! U said I'm pathetic.. Well I tink ure e pathetic one.. For being e most unreliable fren anyone cud hav all tiz yrs..

I wan to watch moviesss plzzzz.. Haix.. Top 2 movies I wanna catch for nw is Vday!! Asthonnnnn!!! & Piercy Jackson & e lighting thief! & I wan Ben n jerry's!! Haix.. Everyone's so bz nw.. Wen I can make it.. They cnt.. & wen they can.. I cnt.. ;((( I nid to find a movie junkie partner! Haix.. Any willing partner?? Buzz me! Heh.. U noe whr to find me.. *winkz!

& ouuu!! I wan tt cherryblossom body mist & e body butter set frm bodyshop!! ONI $20 ++ each.. Cz of Vday promo I tink till 17th feb..& I wan tt green big M&M heart wit pink ribbions at Watsons too!! Boo! ;((( But cnt cz I totally overspent tiz mth oready!!! So many bdays n celebrations.. Haix.. *hint hint nice ppl/frens.. Heh.

well, tmr's a new day hopefully e flu will b gone & I cn go hav some fun! ;)

So here I am putting my heart once again on e line.. throwing away everything behind.. Daringly risking my heart away… not noeing wat e outcome may be..  not noeing if tiz is jz another game of his to fool me arn again… but all I have is faith.. Faith that GOD is leading me e right way tiz time.. Faith that all is planned for me to experience a lesson.. be it wonderfully good or scarily bad…

Im terrified by everything yet Im moving along… I hope GOD have mercy on my soul tiz time round and make the hit a lil less painful..

I ran e fastest I cud.. I hid in e most hidden places.. I kept myself to my busiest. I cried my hardest & loudest.. I prayed everynite for GOD to help me forget those memories & fade my love away till I go tearless.. but yet everyting failed.. I dunno y.. but all tiz still cudnt kip me away frm him.. I hope one day I will get all my answers (soon)..

I dunno wat else to say or feel anymore.. cz all I do seems to lead me back to u.. & e more I tried to let it all go.. e more I miss the memories.. & e more I find myself missing u… haix.

After seeing efforts frm him.. wit e goggle episodes & e few other pick up & dinner efforts, I daringly made my first step forward aft being guarded for so long..

was at tiz beautiful garden for retreat tt I was organizing.. tot it wud be such a waste to not explore it further & share it wit him.. well, it has alwez been a hobby of us bck den.. to experience wit each other new places together… to bring each other to new exciting places tt we happen to stumble upon..

some snapshots of our discoveries.. more pics are at my fb acct.

*it started wit a sly invitation..heh.

* he came wit some food.. so swittt.. hehe.

*isn't she a beauty.. jz e entrance is already almost fairytale lookin'.. 

*FYI: we're in a big nest. heh.

*it was resort lookin' at nite.. nice riteee?? heh..

FYI, e plc is realli realli deeeeep in spore.. it's super far away frm e city or any housing estates.. those wit no vehicle be careful wen u wanna come.. make sure u noe e timing of e buses & all cz trust me.. no taxi gonna save u if u ever miss e shuttle bus services tt rarely come.. & even for those wit vehicle.. beware cz u might go in circles & e road may seem endless..

but despite all those, he still made his way in.. thank u. 

"I never wanted you to leave
I wanted you to stay here holdin' me

I miss you, I miss your smile
And I still shed a tear every once in a while
And even though it's different now
You're still here somehow

My heart won't let you go
And I need you to know
I miss you, sha la la la la
I miss you" - Miley Cyrus.

Well, hello world.. i figure tiz out..

if one do not wan/nid u to be arn.. dun try so hard.. cz in e end it doesn't matter.. u're still not wanted/needed. ;) true.. no?.. hmm.. go figure.

well, actualli i noe tt portion a long time ago.. but still i kept on trying.. haaha.. let's jz move along now..

tried to solve a puzzle.. realised i nided help from a stranger to put it all together... but she's ain't being helpful.. told me to "go away" even before opening e door upon my knock on it.. (mind u.. i gav e most polite knock.. anyone in my shoes cud possibly giv..)hmm.. e world is indeed full of selfish ppl..

if anyone who shud be "slamming e door" .. it shud be me!! not u.. esp for wat e both of u made me go thru..

so either ure afraid of e truth.. or ure not very real to begin with.. orrr.. jz plain naive (which i doubt at all on tis option) all i can say is tt.. with an attitude like tt.. gd luck in goin "far" in life.. truly.. (im not saying i've gone "far" myself... at least i try my best to solve all my puzzles in life & help those who nids my assistance along e way.. even if i dun noe them or they've done many wrongs to me..) but gd.. at least i noe now.. WE'Re not e SAME.. or somewhat comes near to being SIMILAR at all!.. phew~! ;)

oh wells.. lets not get worked up abt unnecessary issues & ppl who r plain selfish/unfriendly & dun pretty much make any difference to ur life.. & dwell over stupid little tings.. thr's sure many other bigger issues to tink abt..

like WORK!! hahaa.. my head's spinning.. i swear i cn walk out of it anytime nw! haix.. it's realli madness! jz madness.. i nid a holiday so badly.. jz sit at hm n rest n laze arn.. my head n body cn hardly take it anymore.. everyday is as important as any other day.. i nid to hav a gd life.. seriously at tiz pt.. i dun mind doing no brainer easy job jz to get e days pass by.. hur hur hur..

thr's got to be a gd life man! but hey.. im dun wanna complaint cz thou im not exactly very hapi.. im not miserable either.. heh.

Slpt early in e morning.. cudn't slp.. not sure y.. but jz stayed up to blog & update & hop arn e net.. but wen i woke up tdy, e left side of my body was still as weak.. thou i must say not as weak & pain as yest.. e pain have subsided.. but yea still weak.. haix.. hope it's jz temporary.. mummy said most prob it'll last arn a wk.. im like.. watttzzz "a wk!!".. err.. ttz long.. quite longgg ya..

well, actualli noting much to update but jz realise i forgot to insert tiz particular very important point in e entry last nite.. err.. hw cud i miss out on it.. it's e MOST important point! hahaha.. so ya.. following was e important snippet tt i din include in.. hahha..

All i wanted to emphasize was tt Mike alwez made it a point for Wendy to be his priority.. nvr an option.. as u read it.. u can tell hw sincere & determine he was to be wit Wendy.. he literally dropped everything in e States jz to be wit her.. he even pursue getting a job here.. like.. who'd do tt??  i noe MOST ppl wun do tt.. but ttz hw love shud be isn't it?.. making sacrifices for e ppl u love jz so to make them happier & to be by their side come wat may.. read the blue letter at the end he wrote to her.. he acknowledges her part in making many sacrifices for him as well & hw appreciative he was tt she stuck by him all throughout their journey tog..

& even at the earlier part wen they were not tog Wendy actually went dating Mr S & posting it online witout realising Mike cud read it & was hurt by wat was written.. even so aft tt.. he boldly still made his way down to Sg to mit her.. he forgiven her.. i sure did learnt alot frm this one entry..  

I wish them e most fairytale wedding of e yr & may their love stay strong all e way.. tt entry have sure opened my eyes to a lot of tings.. thank you for sharing ur wonderful love story.. im definitely inspired by it.

& she said tiz near e ending tt set me tinking all nite long..

Quoted frm Wendy's blog:  "So if you would like advice, I'd say go for the unassuming geek (or perhaps not so suave guy) who only has eyes for you, and give him a chance! Stop loving bad boys right now! Unless you are the sort who likes relationship drama/cheater/lying bitch etc then please don't date the good guys and turn them cynical, thank you very much."

*better save my ass & cite it.. dun wish to get sued for no gd reason.. hmm..

So gd guys.. send in ur resumes.. I'll reconsider ur applications..  Actually even Waa have told me tiz b4.. she said.."Sha, usually these boring geeky guys are e ones who can make our fairytales wishes come true.. cz they'll werk damn hard to give us wat we wan…"

Hmm.. when e time is right & wenever im more ready.. cz right nw im still somehow stupidly holding on to a broken dream..

Woke up today with numbness all over the left side of my body.. hope its just temporary.. been contemplating to take belly dancing classes.. haix.. I reali do want it.. but I'm scared I'll be too occupied.. esp wen assignments deadlines draws near & with my swimming & all..

Lil' sis have been scolding me to stop trying to wore myself too much.. & be obsessed to kip myself bz.. well.. sis.. I dunno.. I was jz hoping by killing time it'd help me heal faster.. it has been indeed werking.. but ya.. been very tired lately… & not so well too… & very bz too.. bt at least im up on my feet & not lying stupidly low…

Well, even e busiest of me cudnt escape frm old stalker.. (we all noe who).. hmm.. he apparently, was overly concerned wen he found out tt I was swimming all along without goggles.. yea.. I lost mine.. so have been swimming witout one.. it reali doesn't matter.. its not like I swim like a pro u noe.. so ya bck to e stalker… he paid a surprised visit/stalked me last wed (even skipped sch to surprise/stalk me)..  he smsed & called days b4 tt, saying tt he'd buy me a pink colour goggle.. hmm.. me & my lady cutie stuff.. but in e end he bought me a tinted one instead cz e pink ones are kids sizes.. lolx!!

*it's frm waveline (quite established brand for swimming stuffs).. Anti-fog, UV protected, tinted screen, soft-seal design for comfort fit… hmm.. must hav cost quite a lot..

Well.. I dunno hw to comment on tt.. I reali dun.. & I rather not comment too.. I dun wan to play wit my *on e way to e road of healing heart.. bt I like it very much.. dun really noe wats e real intention behind it.. bt whatever reasons it maybe for.. thank u very much… sincerely thank u.. ttz very totful & sweet of u to buy me such a pro-looking goggle.. esp for such an amateur swimmer like me..

At werk plc, it seems to be a culture to 'dare' each other once we share or comment abt a cute guy.. hhahaha.. Bff got dared for e 2^nd time.. tiz time it seems to werk for her.. lolx.. I cudnt escape frm mine, myself.. got dared to say "Hi" to Mr Probation Officer.. yeaa..  of cz I did! Bff was dared twice.. & if e shy her took it gracefully both times.. I told myself.. I shud too.. afterall.. it's jz a "Hi".. c alwes say "Bye".. ltr on at any pt tt I find him annoying.. lolx.. but he's nice.. Apparently, he's been noticing me too! Lolx.. he even noe wat fone I hav & whr we alwes bump into each other! Lolx!!.. but tiz is jz superbly e beginning.. bt we're "strangers no longer" (his quote).. ttz for sure..

On e other note.. im feel truly eeky having to avoid a long time gd fren.. he's been such a dearie all along, throughout tiz journey.. I still remember him telling/encouraging me "Babe y r u giving up??!! Tiz is not e girl I use to noe.. Follow ur heart & e girl I noe wud fight till e end!"… but along e way tings changed & I cud feel & see tt he was falling for me.. haix… Im sorry tt I jz had to run.. I dun & cant see us being more than frens.. thank you for all ur efforts to make me laugh & cheer me up again after sooo long..  bt I dun wish to destroy e friendship tt we had for a long time..  lets jz stay as frens.. haix..

On the other hand, Waa & me have been sharing music, stories, site & everything else under e sun in office in btwn our busy-ness.. jz to hav fun & share a laugh or two in such a drilling situation.. & so we were watching tiz.. http://www.clicknetwork.tv/watch.aspx?c=1&p=8&v=268

(guys u shud totally learn frm Mike – Wendy's/Xiaxue's bf..) he blew me off my feet.. like WOW!!… she's one lucky girl.. & after which I followed up to read hw their love story begin.. well, I must salute their journey.. they stood up each other & travel whatever distance & wait no matter hw long it takes.. & e most impressively.. they both work hard together to make things work.. even wen gets tough.. they hang on tight to each other.. even wen one was abt to give up (e part Wendy was trying to ask Mike go bck cz he cant seems to get a job in Sg.. even aft so long..) he still stayed no matter wat come may.. & hw they both scarified a lot of tings along e way for each other.. & hw they daringly followed their hearts to be wit each other..

*READ: 20 Dec 09, The Love Story.

http://xiaxue.blogspot.com/search?updated-min=2009-01-01T00%3A00%3A00%2B08%3A00&updated-max=2010-01-01T00%3A00%3A00%2B08%3A00&max-results=50

Hmm.. cnt help to spot some similarities.. wen she was 1^st wit him.. he was jz a student had nothing much to himself.. yea.. wen I was 1^st wif him too he was goin in ns.. they had to struggle having nothing much to make it werk.. I remember there were days tt we were penniless but we made it werk.. jz eating Sundays at e park on our Sundates was enuf to make us happy or jz exchanging stories on e phone for hrs abt tiz & tt.. thrs alwes tings for us to talk abt under e sun.. haha… though I cnt quite taste e fruit of my labor like her, I'd do it all over again if given a chance..  yea.. I dun mind going thru it all.. e penniless days.. e nerve-wrecking meet-the parents sessions.. e getting drench on e highway together.. e endless & embarrassing public fights.. e kissing e 'ugly toad' – dark, bald, skinny him.. e super long bumpy lonely ferry ride to watch e POP.. e crazy cheerleader on e side of e road to watch him lead e contigent during COG.. I wudnt mind at all cz those were e little tings tt made a huge impact in my life & have stained my memories…  We all made mistakes in life.. I sure noe I did.. but I have learnt to forgive both you & me.. e rest I'll jz let love lead e way… may it be bck to u / u bck to me.. or not.. all I noe is I miss those memories & I miss u.. Take gd care of urself & be happi alwes.. I noe I'll be fine..

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"Let Love Lead The Way"

What makes this world go round
Will the answer let her down
She is so sweet and young
And her life has just begun
What does her future hold
That's the story left unknown
Will she make it through her days,
Let our love lead the way

Part of me laughs (oh)
Part of me cries
Part of me wants to question why (question why)
Why is there joy
And why is there pain (ooh)
Why is there sunshine and the rain
One day you're here
Next you are gone
No matter what we must go on
Just keep the faith
And let love lead the way

Everthing will work out fine
If you let love, love lead the way

Sitting there all alone
In the window of her room
Watching the world go by
Brings tears to her eyes
All she sees is hurt and pain,
She wants to break the chain
She'll keep pressing everyday
And she'll find her own sweet way

You can be all that and still can be who you are
You gotta know for sure that it isn't make believe
You may feel weak but you are strong
Don't you give up if
If you keep holding on, you'll never be wrong
Just close your eyes cause it lies deep in your heart, yeah

Everthing will work out fine
If you let love, love lead the way
Love lead the way

 

Memories of u & me; http://shanurhafizah.multiply.com/

 As my contract nears it's ending, e more I feel nausea.. Haix.. I've got project & events coming in bck to bck.. I dunno hw to fight tiz part of e battle animore.. It seems tt every part of my life seems to be a battle.. Haix.. Im jz so damn tired.. Haix.  I feel like starting anew.. Venturing out, follow my heart.. Whrever it leads me to.. Bt it reali doesn't matter jz e nid to sacrifice my big portflios & paycheck.. Hur hur hur.. Bt seriously at tiz pt of time.. It reali doesn't matter anymore.. So dun b surprised if u call my direct line anytime soon & someone else picks up e fone & says I'm nt thr anymore.. I'd jz like to get away.. I'd love to fly to grandma if I cud & jz lie nx to her like I use to & get some peaceful slp.. Cz slp doesn't seem to come by easy for me these days.. Haix.. I hope I'll make it thru tonite, jz like any other nites before & other nites to come..
      

Even if you were a million miles away
I could still feel you in my bed
Near me, touch me, feel me
And even at the bottom of the sea
I could still hear inside my head
Tellin' me, touch me, feel me

And all the time you were tellin' me lies

So tonight, I'm gonna find a way to make it without you
Tonight I'm gonna find a way to make it without you
I'm gonna hold on to the times we had tonight
I'm gonna find a way to make it without you

Have you ever tried sleeping with a broken heart?
Well, you could try sleeping in my bed

Lonely, own me nobody ever shut it down like you
You wore the crown
You made my body feel heaven bound
Why don't you hold me
Near me, I thought you told me
You'd never leave me

Looking in the sky I could see your face
And I know right where I fit in
Take me, make me, you know that I'll always be in love
With you
Right til the end OOh

Anybody could've told you right from the start
It's about to fall apart
So rather than hold on to a broken dream
Or just hold on to love

And I could find a way to make it
Don't hold on too tight
I'll make it without you tonight