I dun even noevwhw n whr to begin... Even e happiest songs in e world makes me cry... Let alone e sad oness.. N nw u're asking me to write nice tings abt u???? Wat to I say??? Ou u were so special tt I cry myself to slp every night for u??? Or tt u're so nice tt I can't seems to move on & is looking damn pathetic??? Wat do u wan me to say??? I dun have e words other than DAMN U!!!! Bloody f*** ing damn u!! I'm all drained emotionally.. Mentally... & physically... N thr u are being sumone else's bf bt still hav e cheeck to find me n try to explain tings??? Wat cud thr possibly be??? Sori I jz can't hold back my bitchy words... Cz I'm jz damn angry at everything n anything... Damn u for still hanging & fooling arn!! It wasn't enuff for u to jz break my heart isn't it?? It wasn't satisfying rite??? I Noe I've done a gd share of being a bitch to u too bt... U jz had to con'd doing it rite??? again & again!! E feeling is gd isn't it seeing me finally suffering???? Cz all tiz while I kept my sorrows to myself.. Ttz y I said... DAMN U!!! Jz damn u... Argh!!! U made e decision to finally leave jz as wen I wanted to heal n go bck.. Nw will u jz go!!!! I told u I lost!! I damn f*** ing lost!! Suffering alrite!! Wat else do u wan??? I dun wan to hear anymore of ur overused reasons!! I've heard it all b4!! Jz go away!! So far away so I wun feel ur presence anymore! DAMN U!!!

A 2 long yrs of rejections, harshness n sufferings was compared to a 3 months long of loneliness & 'lost-ness'.. Hmm... & crying everytime was compared to crying everywhere..

Which do u tink is more painful?? Y dun we put up a poll on tt ask them to vote... Bt does it even matter anymore?? Plz jz go & build a new blissful relationship wit ur gf.

Remember all the things we wanted  

Now all our memories, they're haunted  

We were always meant to say goodbye  

Even with our fists held high  

It never would've worked out right  

We were never meant for do or die    

~Already Gone, Kelly Clarkson.

i can feel dearest depression creeping in.. slowly back into my life.. the lights of my life.. are starting to flicker.. and my faith is once again shaking.. in no time it'll rule my everything..

i am fully aware that i hav to fight tiz war alone.. but i can't seems to fight tiz war anymore.. the aftermath is eating me inside out.. i no longer have the strength to pull it all together.. every air i gasp i take seems breathless.

i don't quite noe whr to begin fixing tiz shattered soul.. *i can't fix wat u broke..

hopefully.. i can still overcome all tiz one day..

i jz nid time.. & forget e world for a moment..

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?

Thank u strawberry for being thr for me.. Syygg kau sgt! Haixx *hugs on e othr side.. Tt lil' sweet sis of mine said she nided to find l0 million fireflies n a rainbow to light me up again... Haixx she truly Noe hw I feel thou I dun say a werd to her.. Haixx.. So young yet so sweet.. Ttz y too she's my best fren.. My best shopping buddy n will one day (if thr's an opportunity) be my bridesmaid... Truly blessed to hav her arn.. Her presence n her 'wise' words have been amazingly comforting all tiz while.. ILY lil' sis... I hope I revive frm tiz storm soon.. I reali hope I cn.. Will u help me?? Will u take my hand n help me stand again?? Will u help me find my sunshine again??? I seem to hav lost it along e way... Afterall.. I shud b hapi tt he's hapi rite??

I nid a shoulder to cry on n a hug badly(a real one)... I dun nid words I jz nid a listening ear... I'm alwes thr as a helping hand to dry away ppl's tears n console them n giv them advices wen they nid my professional help.. Bt I tink they forgot tt I'm ONI human n I too nid a pillar to lean on... Dissapointment fills my heart.. No one seems to understand wat I wan... Haix... It's alritee...

& ttz y I said he cudn't see my shattered soul coz all he ever do is to Kip smashing it.. I tink he's enjoying it... Well den.. Enjoy it till it last..

sori i dun entertain silence.. boringsss.. yawnzzz. sori for my harsh honesty.. jz a piece of my mind. esp those repeated silence.. ahhh... u better hav a reason for tt. jz so u noe.. wen im irritated.. i can get real rude. wellz, ttz jz me.. like it or hate it. & ohh! i dun usually say sorry for tings i tink is right. *peace!

Argghhh!! i wan to scream & shout at e top of my lungs!! im so angry! im so damn freaking disappointed!!! i wan to cry so hard & curse so badly!! bt i didn't & cudn't!! & tt makes me even angrier!! arghh!!! y does it have to hurt so much still??!! go now! dun find me anymore! go live ur new life! erase me off everywhre & anywhre! not too worry i dun hate u & i've long forgiven u.. im jz angry at myself still.. ttz all.. u took my werds off literally... u simply cud't read n btwn e lines.. no i dun blame u.. nvr did. i'm too bz to point fingers.. i'll take e last blame.. & i'm moving on.. i'll put up my white flag nw.. i lost.. happi? i lost! battered & broken & bleeding. be hapi wit ur new gf.. hope she cn giv u e happiness i cnt giv.. hope she's strong enuf to fight for u wen e storms come. hope she is patient enuff to wait for u even if it takes another thousand yrs. hope she is generous enuff to make sacrifices for u. i'll let u go nw.. be free..

Daddy.. wat did u say??? i hate it wen he starts reading... i dun like it... i knew it all... u dun hav to do e reading for me.. i tink he's not realli aware i'm very like him too.. haix... maybe cz im defiant... i alwes go against wat i read.. i dun like to play it safe.. i'm jz nt as guarded.. ttz y i get bruised all e time.. but at least im leaving a fair life.. & living life to e fullest.. haix...

Daddy plz stop reading... i jz wish u'd stop.. i noe.. u meant it well.. i can read as well as u can... i noe.. hw to take care of myself.. i've well developed my skills.. perhaps years back i wasn't aware.. but nw i am.. truly & fully.. haix...

on a separate note.. hmm.. thou e song is nice but as i read e lyrics.. hmm... very familiar to my situation...

wha- wha- what did she say
Mmmm whatcha say
Mmm that you only meant well? - when u said u wanted to leave & gave me away?
well of course you did
Mmmm whatcha say
Mmmm that it´s all for the best? - tt wat u're doing is in e hope of making me happier?
of course it is

cause when the roof cave in and the truth came out
i just didn´t know what to do - u alwes dunno wat to do..
but when i become a star we´ll be living so large
i´ll do anything for you - i've wished upon millions stars u'd do anything for me.. jz like wat i've done for u.. was i not worth for u fighting for & working hard for?
so tell me girl - must i tell u everything?

 

indeed acceptance of reality is harder than it seems..

& will "sorry" change anything??